Mommy Guilt

It's truly amazing how sometimes guilt can sneak into our lives about the most silly, meaningless things. I, for one, have always felt guilty about things I did wrong. I was the dorky kid who did something she wasn't supposed to and ran to tell on herself as soon as I did it. I have found that as I have become an adult, and most recently entered the world of motherhood, guilt has struck a whole new chord in my emotions...even sometimes unhealthily. I have discovered something about being a mom just opens a whole new realm of guilt I never even knew I could feel!!!

When Caden was first born, he developed jaundice early on and his bilirubin was 1 point away from him getting readmitted to the hospital. The pediatrician suggested I pump my breastmilk and feed him formula for 24 hours so as to not hinder the breakdown of the bilirubin. As a nurse, I knew deep down that breastfeeding jaundice does not typically develop this soon and so on but I heard that there may be a problem and I wanted to fix it. Caden never wanted to latch correctly again and after three painful weeks of trying to force him to breastfeed and many tears (from both of us), I gave up. To this day, I frequently feel so incredibly guilty that I was unable to do something so simple as to provide this very important nutrition for him, especially since he had a birth defect already. I mean, come on...at 16 months old I wouldn't still be breastfeeding anyway but I won't give myself a break because I feel so badly about it still!!! I go over and over in my head about what I could have done differently. I have spoke to several lactation consultants since who have given great tips for next time around but then I feel guilty because what if I am successful the next time and I neglected to do it right the first time? I mean, seriously? This is the crappy guilt I put on myself and for what? To feel badly about myself or my skills as a mother?

Another issue I have is the working mom thing. I think I am a better mom to Caden because I work. I enjoy my job and having adult conversations and knowing that I can provide him with opportunities he would otherwise not have because my husband and I both work. It makes it difficult because I feel that when I'm home I need to do nothing but spend time with him because I haven't seen him all day, but then what about time to myself or with my husband? What about family or friends? Being a working mom is HARD. Not that being a stay at home mom is easy, but I have so much guilt that I'm not able to stay home (I've been preached about how much better it is for them since I was a kid in church), then guilt that I enjoy working or enjoy some time to myself. Its funny how the devil knows where we are weak and vulnerable.

I remember having a conversation with a fellow new mom right after we had our boys and she said that she had had lunch with another new mom friend who went on and on about how perfect everything was going and how well they were doing and such. My friend said it just made her feel so guilty because she was having a hard time with her son sleeping, among other things. At the time, she would share that with me and I would share with her my issues. She made such a valid point here, though: as mothers, we should share our triumphs, as well as our failures with one another. It makes us all feel human and feel like we aren't alone!!!

Another girlfriend told me one time that she had to come back to work and left her 4 week old with her mother overnight b/c she was already in town and didn't want to have to wake the baby that early to go back to drop her off but I was the only person she told about it because she didn't want anyone to think badly of her for having a night away from her child when she was so young. It shouldn't be this way but so often it is. It's so funny because when I returned to work, Caden was 10 weeks old and Travis and I both were still on night shift. I would drive 3 hours to bring him to my parents or they would drive 3 hours to Warner Robins for my 3 12 hour shifts just so he was cared for by someone I trusted. It was just horrible because I had to spend days away from my infant! I soon realized that I wasn't the only one!

For weeks after I had Caden I felt like I was the only woman in the world struggling with some of these issues. Then I realized I was blessed in so many other ways: Caden started sleeping through the night; in his own crib at 3 weeks old...thats incredible!!! I had no problems converting him to solids, sippy cups and whole milk...we have had several bumps in between but I am thankful for both my triumphs and my failures in this journey because they both keep me grounded and I have learned so much from them!

I read some of these articles, blogs and books on the best way to train your child to do this and that and how breastfeeding is the only healthy way, daycare is unhealthy for your child, you should put your child on a rigid schedule after birth, kangaroo care is best, staying home with your child the first year is best, no immunizations, blah blah blah...its ridiculous...

There are so many examples, I could go on and on. And I know that it is only going to get harder from here...discipline, school, sports, etc....I have so many more years to screw up but the truth is that NO ONE is perfect and there is no one right way to do things. ESPECIALLY when it comes to children. I am fully prepared to bring on a whole new set of difficulties the next time around because no two children are the same.

My point is I want to celebrate the wonderful memories of my son's childhood and not get so bogged down in how badly I feel about what I should have said or done differently AND I hope to stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks of me...until you have been exactly where I've been (and no one will b/c we are all unique and have different experiences) than keep your opinions to yourself because you have no clue how it feels or what its like! Every mom needs to do what works for her. That is all ; )

Dance in the Rain

So things have been a little more crazy lately than usual with all the medical stuff and the holidays coming up and everything else life has thrown our way. I'm surprised to say I'm doing fairly well with it all. That is not to say that I am handling everything with grace...any of you that know me know that often this is not the case. Occasionally I will let it get to me. Heck, just last week I cried in the middle of the hospital over the stupidest thing...really just because I hadn't really allowed myself to feel everything that has been going on so I let it all out when the last straw hit the camel's back!

My visit to Mayo Clinic is quickly approaching and we are hoping to hear some good news there. Caden is growing like a weed!!! I'm learning more and more everyday to "let go and let God" because there are so many things I can't change. Like many other nurses I know, I am somewhat of a control freak and if I see a problem I want to fix it and "STAT". It is something that is just ingrained in me. It makes me good a nurse but its also a downfall for me in many ways. As a mother and a supervisor at work, I have to learn to sit back and let others make mistakes so they can learn. On a personal level, I will drive myself crazy with my OCD tendencies and lets face it, these days I face things on a daily basis that I have no control over!

I am slowly learning to step back, take a deep breath and let it go! It is one of the hardest things I have ever done because this definitely does not come naturally to me. We are currently facing several situations where I can't fix it, I can't make it better or make it disappear. The past two years we have continually been faced with these types of situations and I can only guess that God is trying to make us stronger. He is trying to teach me and I'm trying so hard to learn from each situation and grow.

I can only pray that my attempt at keeping a positive attitude through it all will serve as a testament to my faith and the love that God has put in my heart for others. It has not been an easy road we have been traveling, but I have NEVER felt more blessed. I have a precious little boy, an amazingly wonderful husband, a supportive, loving family and finally a job I love! I know the devil will continue to rain on my parade but I am determined I will dance in it anyway!!!

Weighty Issues

I don't know what it is about being a woman that makes us so insecure!!! I have spent my whole life obsessing over the most stupid and vain things!!! Like many of you already know, with my recent health scare I have looked at things so differently and I do realize how ridiculous it is to be so concerned about something so stupid as my looks b/c they ultimately dont matter but that doesn't stop me from doing it!!!

I have always been so worried about my looks and weight, even though I've never really been overweight. I mean, I thought I was too big when I was 118 lbs and getting married!!! Its just something we do...and with all the things we grow up around, why wouldnt we? Barbie is perfect, the girls on tv and in magazines are perfect...where are all the NORMAL women???

After we have children, our bodies just go through so much! I can't wear my pre-pregnancy clothes even though I'm the same "weight" I was before I had Caden simply because my body is shaped completely different!!! I don't know why the number on the scale or on my tags bother me so dang much! And I have seen this with so many of my friends, so I know it isn't just me!

Even though I do not have stretch marks from pregnancy, I know several people that do and freak out about them...I recently read an article talking about how each line represents a wonderful memory...a first kick, a toss or tumble, waving at you on the ultrasound, so much time that little angel spent in your belly and it was his/her home...so it isn't perfect but each line means something and I just kept thinking how cool it would be if we all looked at it that way!!!

My hope is that I can continue working on getting over all this weight/looks crap b/c in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter...I should focus on being healthy and happy with what God gave me...we were all made different for a reason. Especially if I ever have a baby girl because I want her to grow up with good self esteem and know that its okay to be you! Your imperfections are what make you unique!!!

I am not supermodel skinny nor do I have a crystal clear complexion and sparkling white teeth with pantene pro-v model hair...but I am Caden's mommy, Travis' wife and I am beautiful to them and perfect in God's eyes!!!

One of my favorite songs:

Beautiful
Bethany Dillon

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Blessed for one more day...

I've been really bad about blogging lately. As many of you know, I recently have had a health scare and I can say my perspective on life in general has changed somewhat over the last several weeks. I had scans and a biopsy done and we were kind of in limbo for a while as to what was going on. The preliminary speculations, as well as first diagnoses were not good. I started to think of my life and what really mattered and here are my conclusions:

1-Some things I worry about in myself are SO stupid! I won't be on my deathbed thinking..."gee, I wish I were skinnier" or "I hate those freckles" so why should I obsess over them now?

2-Some things don't change...I cant control other people's opinions of me or how good (or even bad) of a friend they are...I can only control my own actions and I can choose to be happy with who I am. Honestly, there are some people who will never be there for you no matter how many times you've been there for them. So, I'm going to continue to be the type of friend I hope to have in spite of them ; )

3-I can't change my situation. Sometimes things just happen...things I can't help...people die, people get sick, people move away...stuff just happens sometimes and that is life...I am choosing to have a positive outlook despite my circumstances!!! Not to say I havent been worried b/c I was...I thought about if this thing really is that bad that maybe I wouldn't see my son go to kindergarten or he may not remember me...but I had to think...I can't control what is already going on...I can choose to have a positive outlook and fight like heck to live!!!

Fortunately, the outcome doesn't seem nearly as bad as we first thought, even though many of the details are a little still up in the air right now. All I know is that I am choosing to be positive and enjoy every second I have with those that I love...after all, we dont know what tommorow holds or how long those we have around us will be here!!! Not everyone gets an experience like this and I am grateful for the eye opener it has been for me...I know I won't forever remember feeling like everything I have is precious which is why I'm blogging these memories!!! I'm so fortunate that God has chosen to let me live yet another day and be blessed with an AMAZING family ; )

Sleep on it...

Have you ever heard the saying "Never go to bed angry?"...well I kind of think that may be a load of crap ; ) My reason behind saying this is that some people, like myself, tend to feel like everything is falling apart when something goes wrong or I get really angry. However, if I just "sleep on it", I always feel better in the morning. It really helps me to put things into perspective when I don't dwell on it. Something that may make me extremly angry today, really may not be a big deal tommorow. If it is, then I address it and move on.

I have always heard to "pick my battles" in marriage, the workplace, school, with your children, and even friends and I feel like this is so true. Some things are just not worth fighting for! Being right in isn't important but relationships are. You have to remember that "this too shall pass"...I constantly remind myself of this because I tend to be very dramatic and feel like something is a huge deal that really isn't at all.

I think it is important to realize that everyone was created different. Different hair, skin, eyes, personalities, beliefs, religions, strengths and weaknesses, as well as goals, attitudes and talents. You are not going to agree with any one person all of the time, no matter who they are and we all make mistakes! So be confident about who you are and embrace the fact that you are unlike anyone else. So many people waste so much time trying to be someone they are not...stand proud with all your flaws and quirks because that is what makes you you!!!

I read somewhere that if you are really angry with your spouse or child, walk away for a bit and come back and discuss it when you calm down. I know this cannot be applied in every situation but how great would it be if I had enough self control to walk away from an upcoming argument with my husband to "cool down" and prevent myself from saying things out of anger that I probably don't mean anyway! You can calmly express your opinion and concerns with someone and prevent a bad situation if you could do this...I know I would benefit from this!

So, I challenge each of you to stop and sleep on it...dont necessarily let it go to nightfall before you do anything about a situation, but take a step back and a deep breath before answering next time...my bet is that you will save yourself an argument or two if you show that kind of control...I am also challenging myself to this and I have a tendency to say what pops into my head at the moment...so we'll see how this turns out : )  Ask Travis in a couple of weeks

Belly Laughs

One of the most amazing things I have ever done was carry life inside of me. I think what your body goes through to create and mold this little human inside of your womb is the most special and precious gift God ever granted me! I will, however, admit that it surprised me that even though I am a nurse and am familiar with all that goes on in your body while pregnant, I found most of the symptoms to be a shock!

First of all, in the first trimester, you are ecstatic that you are pregnant but you don't look pregnant and when you start to have a "bump" you are still in the stage where people look at you like "I don't want to ask her if she's pregnant b/c what if she just gained weight", which I hated!!! Then you are dealing with constipation (TMI- I know but I've never had this problem before and was actually hospitalized b/f they realized I just had a small bowel obstruction!) You're constantly worried b/c you cant feel the baby move so you dont know if he/she is okay and you worry about when to tell people b/c what if you were to miscarry, and so on...plus, if you are super lucky you have a ton of morning sickness, no, I take that back...ALL DAY sickness which includes gagging for no good reason and puking if you even think of something that makes you feel a little queasy. On top of that, you are exhausted ALL of the time! When you hear that precious heartbeat for the first time, you forget about these things until the next time you throw up ; )

In the second trimester, your symptoms may start to decline (yay!) and you start to get a nice bump so you may just be cute and have a little fun, until you start to develop massive heartburn...and not just when you eat jalapenos, but when you drink water or eat BREAD!!! You learn that you can no longer sleep on your stomach b/c its too round or your back b/c you can't breathe so you try and position yourself to only sleep on your side, which for me was very difficult! You may start to have sciatic pain or even go into preterm labor (LOADS of fun) Luckily, you forget a lot of this when you see that beautiful baby again on ultrasound who, this time, looks more like a baby and less like an alien. Plus, you find out the sex! Soon after, you start to feel him/her move which is just amazing!!!

If you have any false labor, the hospital/doctor's office makes you feel stupid and asks "oh, is this your first?" Funny thing is I started contracting 3-5 minutes regularly at 27 weeks and it continued until I gave birth at 39 weeks and everyone tried to reassure me by saying "You will know when its real labor, it feels different"...NOT...one clue is that everyone is different and every pregnancy is different...I couldn't tell my preterm labor from my full blown labor until after my water broke and he was well on his way!

In the third trimester, you start to get a little anxious and uncomfortable. You can't sleep anymore and when you do you may have nightmares of giving birth to a toddler. You continue to have massive heartburn and false labor pains and worry about your water breaking while your walking down the cereal aisle and "ew, I don't want them to have to clean it up!". Walking around you look like a oompa loompa and cant catch your breath. Then you pee when you sneeze or laugh too hard, seriously, wet your pants : ) Even if it hurts when your baby kicks you by now, you are learning them and feel much more connected. I remember one of the neatest things was watching Caden roll across my belly, you could just see his foot stick out or his elbow roll across the center...too cool!!!

I find all this very humorous myself b/c I've waited my whole life to become a mommy and even though I have some very amazing, wonderful memories of my pregnancy I was a little disappointed that with my very first one I had so many problems (not to mention they told me they thought I was miscarrying the day they told me I was pregnant and we found out about his kidney problem at 20 weeks!). I see all these beautiful, glowing pregnant women and can't help but feel a little jealous, since my pregnancy "glow" was really sweat from vomiting 10 times that day. The truth is that life rarely goes as planned. I would do it all over again and plan to b/c the outcome is so great. I just have a hard time with the fact that no one prepares young women for the realities of pregnancy and what it does to your body! By no means am I trying to discourage anyone from having a child, I just want all women to be aware that everyone's body is different, no two pregnancies are alike b/c the woman and child she is carrying is always different! So dont listen to what everyone says and if you think something is wrong, get it checked out! Better to be safe than sorry when it comes to your child : ) There were many obstacles we went through to get Caden here, but we were proactive with our healthcare and I suggest that everyone else be too

Remember, God created each of us different and this is one of the most amazing things you will ever do...but be prepared b/c God has a plan and our "birthing plan" or "pregnancy plan" may not be the same as his plan.

Lessons Learned

As I have recently celebrated my turning a quarter of a century old, I am going to blog on things I hope to teach my child, and future children. I especially hope by exposing my biggest flaws, failures and triumphs, that others can learn from my mistakes.

Being a mother has really changed my view of life. I have learned to not take life so seriously and things do not always go as planned...actually, I take that back, they rarely ever do! When I first had Caden, I sterilized everything that he touched, now I pick up the paci, wipe it off and hand it back (don't cringe, you've done it too and he puts everything from the floor in his mouth anyways) I am not going to be perfect but I also cannot beat myself up over my failures, I can only learn from them and move on, hopefully not to make the same mistake. So, I will start, in no particular order, with lessons learned:

1-Get your hair wet! Yep, you read that right. Everytime I went swimming as a young woman I felt the most important thing was that my perfectly washed dried and styled hair stay that way...I mean, seriously. Live, let your hair down, jump in head first into that pool! Life is too short to be worried about petty stuff like your appearance : )

2-Indulge a little. Not that I agree with being a glutton, but dont be so obsessed with counting calories that you can't cheat a little now and then. One slice of cake won't kill you (now the whole thing, not so good). Don't restrict yourself so much that you can enjoy yourself from time to time. And take a little time for yourself every now and then. You are a better mother/father, spouse, friend when you are rested take a time out for you sometimes.

3-When you think your ready to have sex, wait longer. I remember thinking how old school our parents were when they preached abstinence. Apart from the clear biblical reasons, you are not mentally sound enough as a young adult to really make that kind of decision well. And, I promise you that when you finally do marry someone, you will never feel okay about the fact that it wasn't just the two of you...never...because your virginity is something you just can't take back and it isn't likely that you will marry your first "love".

4-Control your emotions! If there is one thing I feel sorry for my parents about it was my awful mood swings growing up. I thought EVERYTHING was the end of the world if it didn't go my way. Well, get over it, life will never go the way you planned, in fact I think it amuses God that we have our own plans! Your emotions can be so dangerous, especially as a young man/woman. They can lead you to make some really, really bad decisions, and I am living proof of that time and time again. I really have to tell myself that every little thing isn't that big of a deal and I have learned to laugh at myself for getting so upset about those things in the past...just think of things like, "in the grand scheme of things, is this really going to be THAT bad?"

5-I hope you DANCE! Dont be so concerned with what everyone else thinks of you or fitting in that you lose sight of who you are! Dance in public like no one else is around, sing in church, laugh out loud, make a fool out of yourself if it means being who you are.

6-Dont hold back. I'm not saying be so outspoken that your flat out rude, but be honest with people. Tell them how you really feel...we are not promised tommorow, not one of us. Don't leave things unsaid, or have hurt feelings but not discuss them. I dont want anyone I love to leave this place not knowing how I truly feel about them!

7-The grass is NEVER greener. Someone will always be better off than you and someone will always be worse off than you. You are not going to leave one friend to find another who is perfect because perfect people dont exist. The same goes for relationships, jobs, churchs, etc. You will always find problems b/c you are flawed as well and not everyone will agree on what is best, so be happy with who you are and what you do!!!

8-You will never please everyone...anyone who knows me knows that I am a people pleaser. I will get sick to my stomach if I think someone is mad at me or I hurt someones feelings. The truth is that it is good to be conscience of other people's feelings and wants, but you will never be able to make everyone happy, you can be a best friend, employee, spouse, etc and you will still fail because we are all human. Just focus on being the best person you can be and learn to forgive. We are all human and all make mistakes, so dont hold grudges!

9-You will never find happiness in anyone or anything. Nothing more than Jesus Christ can bring true happiness, joy and peace. You have to choose to happy and not let circumstances control your life. Other things and people will disappoint you, put your faith and hope in Christ and leave the rest to him. When storms come in your life, realize that it will pass and you can still find joy, comfort and strength in him! So don't worry about every little thing in life (pot and kettle, I know)

10-Do everything to glorify God. I have said to myself on many occasions when I have found myself going above and beyond for someone who really doesn't appreciate it that I am not doing it for them or anyone else, I am doing it because I feel like it is in God's will for me to be in that place at that time doing that thing. I may not be happy about it and never get praised for my work, but I know that is not what it is truly about.

One of my favorite quotes:
"Life is not a race-but indeed a journey. Be Honest. Work hard. Be choosy. Say "thank you", "I love you", and a "great job" to someone each day. Go to church, take time for prayer. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Let your handshake mean more than pen and paper. Love your life and what you've been given, its not accidental-search for your purpose and do it as best you can. Dreaming does matter. It allows you to become that which you inspire to. Laugh often. Appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them. Some of the best things really are free. Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming. Forgive, it frees the soul. Take time for yourself-plan for longevity. Recognize the special people you've been blessed to know. Live for today, enjoy the moment."