I don't know what it is about being a woman that makes us so insecure!!! I have spent my whole life obsessing over the most stupid and vain things!!! Like many of you already know, with my recent health scare I have looked at things so differently and I do realize how ridiculous it is to be so concerned about something so stupid as my looks b/c they ultimately dont matter but that doesn't stop me from doing it!!!
I have always been so worried about my looks and weight, even though I've never really been overweight. I mean, I thought I was too big when I was 118 lbs and getting married!!! Its just something we do...and with all the things we grow up around, why wouldnt we? Barbie is perfect, the girls on tv and in magazines are perfect...where are all the NORMAL women???
After we have children, our bodies just go through so much! I can't wear my pre-pregnancy clothes even though I'm the same "weight" I was before I had Caden simply because my body is shaped completely different!!! I don't know why the number on the scale or on my tags bother me so dang much! And I have seen this with so many of my friends, so I know it isn't just me!
Even though I do not have stretch marks from pregnancy, I know several people that do and freak out about them...I recently read an article talking about how each line represents a wonderful memory...a first kick, a toss or tumble, waving at you on the ultrasound, so much time that little angel spent in your belly and it was his/her home...so it isn't perfect but each line means something and I just kept thinking how cool it would be if we all looked at it that way!!!
My hope is that I can continue working on getting over all this weight/looks crap b/c in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter...I should focus on being healthy and happy with what God gave me...we were all made different for a reason. Especially if I ever have a baby girl because I want her to grow up with good self esteem and know that its okay to be you! Your imperfections are what make you unique!!!
I am not supermodel skinny nor do I have a crystal clear complexion and sparkling white teeth with pantene pro-v model hair...but I am Caden's mommy, Travis' wife and I am beautiful to them and perfect in God's eyes!!!
One of my favorite songs:
Beautiful
Bethany Dillon
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life
[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory
[Chorus]
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Blessed for one more day...
I've been really bad about blogging lately. As many of you know, I recently have had a health scare and I can say my perspective on life in general has changed somewhat over the last several weeks. I had scans and a biopsy done and we were kind of in limbo for a while as to what was going on. The preliminary speculations, as well as first diagnoses were not good. I started to think of my life and what really mattered and here are my conclusions:
1-Some things I worry about in myself are SO stupid! I won't be on my deathbed thinking..."gee, I wish I were skinnier" or "I hate those freckles" so why should I obsess over them now?
2-Some things don't change...I cant control other people's opinions of me or how good (or even bad) of a friend they are...I can only control my own actions and I can choose to be happy with who I am. Honestly, there are some people who will never be there for you no matter how many times you've been there for them. So, I'm going to continue to be the type of friend I hope to have in spite of them ; )
3-I can't change my situation. Sometimes things just happen...things I can't help...people die, people get sick, people move away...stuff just happens sometimes and that is life...I am choosing to have a positive outlook despite my circumstances!!! Not to say I havent been worried b/c I was...I thought about if this thing really is that bad that maybe I wouldn't see my son go to kindergarten or he may not remember me...but I had to think...I can't control what is already going on...I can choose to have a positive outlook and fight like heck to live!!!
Fortunately, the outcome doesn't seem nearly as bad as we first thought, even though many of the details are a little still up in the air right now. All I know is that I am choosing to be positive and enjoy every second I have with those that I love...after all, we dont know what tommorow holds or how long those we have around us will be here!!! Not everyone gets an experience like this and I am grateful for the eye opener it has been for me...I know I won't forever remember feeling like everything I have is precious which is why I'm blogging these memories!!! I'm so fortunate that God has chosen to let me live yet another day and be blessed with an AMAZING family ; )
1-Some things I worry about in myself are SO stupid! I won't be on my deathbed thinking..."gee, I wish I were skinnier" or "I hate those freckles" so why should I obsess over them now?
2-Some things don't change...I cant control other people's opinions of me or how good (or even bad) of a friend they are...I can only control my own actions and I can choose to be happy with who I am. Honestly, there are some people who will never be there for you no matter how many times you've been there for them. So, I'm going to continue to be the type of friend I hope to have in spite of them ; )
3-I can't change my situation. Sometimes things just happen...things I can't help...people die, people get sick, people move away...stuff just happens sometimes and that is life...I am choosing to have a positive outlook despite my circumstances!!! Not to say I havent been worried b/c I was...I thought about if this thing really is that bad that maybe I wouldn't see my son go to kindergarten or he may not remember me...but I had to think...I can't control what is already going on...I can choose to have a positive outlook and fight like heck to live!!!
Fortunately, the outcome doesn't seem nearly as bad as we first thought, even though many of the details are a little still up in the air right now. All I know is that I am choosing to be positive and enjoy every second I have with those that I love...after all, we dont know what tommorow holds or how long those we have around us will be here!!! Not everyone gets an experience like this and I am grateful for the eye opener it has been for me...I know I won't forever remember feeling like everything I have is precious which is why I'm blogging these memories!!! I'm so fortunate that God has chosen to let me live yet another day and be blessed with an AMAZING family ; )
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sleep on it...
Have you ever heard the saying "Never go to bed angry?"...well I kind of think that may be a load of crap ; ) My reason behind saying this is that some people, like myself, tend to feel like everything is falling apart when something goes wrong or I get really angry. However, if I just "sleep on it", I always feel better in the morning. It really helps me to put things into perspective when I don't dwell on it. Something that may make me extremly angry today, really may not be a big deal tommorow. If it is, then I address it and move on.
I have always heard to "pick my battles" in marriage, the workplace, school, with your children, and even friends and I feel like this is so true. Some things are just not worth fighting for! Being right in isn't important but relationships are. You have to remember that "this too shall pass"...I constantly remind myself of this because I tend to be very dramatic and feel like something is a huge deal that really isn't at all.
I think it is important to realize that everyone was created different. Different hair, skin, eyes, personalities, beliefs, religions, strengths and weaknesses, as well as goals, attitudes and talents. You are not going to agree with any one person all of the time, no matter who they are and we all make mistakes! So be confident about who you are and embrace the fact that you are unlike anyone else. So many people waste so much time trying to be someone they are not...stand proud with all your flaws and quirks because that is what makes you you!!!
I read somewhere that if you are really angry with your spouse or child, walk away for a bit and come back and discuss it when you calm down. I know this cannot be applied in every situation but how great would it be if I had enough self control to walk away from an upcoming argument with my husband to "cool down" and prevent myself from saying things out of anger that I probably don't mean anyway! You can calmly express your opinion and concerns with someone and prevent a bad situation if you could do this...I know I would benefit from this!
So, I challenge each of you to stop and sleep on it...dont necessarily let it go to nightfall before you do anything about a situation, but take a step back and a deep breath before answering next time...my bet is that you will save yourself an argument or two if you show that kind of control...I am also challenging myself to this and I have a tendency to say what pops into my head at the moment...so we'll see how this turns out : ) Ask Travis in a couple of weeks
I have always heard to "pick my battles" in marriage, the workplace, school, with your children, and even friends and I feel like this is so true. Some things are just not worth fighting for! Being right in isn't important but relationships are. You have to remember that "this too shall pass"...I constantly remind myself of this because I tend to be very dramatic and feel like something is a huge deal that really isn't at all.
I think it is important to realize that everyone was created different. Different hair, skin, eyes, personalities, beliefs, religions, strengths and weaknesses, as well as goals, attitudes and talents. You are not going to agree with any one person all of the time, no matter who they are and we all make mistakes! So be confident about who you are and embrace the fact that you are unlike anyone else. So many people waste so much time trying to be someone they are not...stand proud with all your flaws and quirks because that is what makes you you!!!
I read somewhere that if you are really angry with your spouse or child, walk away for a bit and come back and discuss it when you calm down. I know this cannot be applied in every situation but how great would it be if I had enough self control to walk away from an upcoming argument with my husband to "cool down" and prevent myself from saying things out of anger that I probably don't mean anyway! You can calmly express your opinion and concerns with someone and prevent a bad situation if you could do this...I know I would benefit from this!
So, I challenge each of you to stop and sleep on it...dont necessarily let it go to nightfall before you do anything about a situation, but take a step back and a deep breath before answering next time...my bet is that you will save yourself an argument or two if you show that kind of control...I am also challenging myself to this and I have a tendency to say what pops into my head at the moment...so we'll see how this turns out : ) Ask Travis in a couple of weeks
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Belly Laughs
One of the most amazing things I have ever done was carry life inside of me. I think what your body goes through to create and mold this little human inside of your womb is the most special and precious gift God ever granted me! I will, however, admit that it surprised me that even though I am a nurse and am familiar with all that goes on in your body while pregnant, I found most of the symptoms to be a shock!
If you have any false labor, the hospital/doctor's office makes you feel stupid and asks "oh, is this your first?" Funny thing is I started contracting 3-5 minutes regularly at 27 weeks and it continued until I gave birth at 39 weeks and everyone tried to reassure me by saying "You will know when its real labor, it feels different"...NOT...one clue is that everyone is different and every pregnancy is different...I couldn't tell my preterm labor from my full blown labor until after my water broke and he was well on his way!
Remember, God created each of us different and this is one of the most amazing things you will ever do...but be prepared b/c God has a plan and our "birthing plan" or "pregnancy plan" may not be the same as his plan.
First of all, in the first trimester, you are ecstatic that you are pregnant but you don't look pregnant and when you start to have a "bump" you are still in the stage where people look at you like "I don't want to ask her if she's pregnant b/c what if she just gained weight", which I hated!!! Then you are dealing with constipation (TMI- I know but I've never had this problem before and was actually hospitalized b/f they realized I just had a small bowel obstruction!) You're constantly worried b/c you cant feel the baby move so you dont know if he/she is okay and you worry about when to tell people b/c what if you were to miscarry, and so on...plus, if you are super lucky you have a ton of morning sickness, no, I take that back...ALL DAY sickness which includes gagging for no good reason and puking if you even think of something that makes you feel a little queasy. On top of that, you are exhausted ALL of the time! When you hear that precious heartbeat for the first time, you forget about these things until the next time you throw up ; )
In the second trimester, your symptoms may start to decline (yay!) and you start to get a nice bump so you may just be cute and have a little fun, until you start to develop massive heartburn...and not just when you eat jalapenos, but when you drink water or eat BREAD!!! You learn that you can no longer sleep on your stomach b/c its too round or your back b/c you can't breathe so you try and position yourself to only sleep on your side, which for me was very difficult! You may start to have sciatic pain or even go into preterm labor (LOADS of fun) Luckily, you forget a lot of this when you see that beautiful baby again on ultrasound who, this time, looks more like a baby and less like an alien. Plus, you find out the sex! Soon after, you start to feel him/her move which is just amazing!!!
In the third trimester, you start to get a little anxious and uncomfortable. You can't sleep anymore and when you do you may have nightmares of giving birth to a toddler. You continue to have massive heartburn and false labor pains and worry about your water breaking while your walking down the cereal aisle and "ew, I don't want them to have to clean it up!". Walking around you look like a oompa loompa and cant catch your breath. Then you pee when you sneeze or laugh too hard, seriously, wet your pants : ) Even if it hurts when your baby kicks you by now, you are learning them and feel much more connected. I remember one of the neatest things was watching Caden roll across my belly, you could just see his foot stick out or his elbow roll across the center...too cool!!!
I find all this very humorous myself b/c I've waited my whole life to become a mommy and even though I have some very amazing, wonderful memories of my pregnancy I was a little disappointed that with my very first one I had so many problems (not to mention they told me they thought I was miscarrying the day they told me I was pregnant and we found out about his kidney problem at 20 weeks!). I see all these beautiful, glowing pregnant women and can't help but feel a little jealous, since my pregnancy "glow" was really sweat from vomiting 10 times that day. The truth is that life rarely goes as planned. I would do it all over again and plan to b/c the outcome is so great. I just have a hard time with the fact that no one prepares young women for the realities of pregnancy and what it does to your body! By no means am I trying to discourage anyone from having a child, I just want all women to be aware that everyone's body is different, no two pregnancies are alike b/c the woman and child she is carrying is always different! So dont listen to what everyone says and if you think something is wrong, get it checked out! Better to be safe than sorry when it comes to your child : ) There were many obstacles we went through to get Caden here, but we were proactive with our healthcare and I suggest that everyone else be too
Friday, August 12, 2011
Lessons Learned
As I have recently celebrated my turning a quarter of a century old, I am going to blog on things I hope to teach my child, and future children. I especially hope by exposing my biggest flaws, failures and triumphs, that others can learn from my mistakes.
Being a mother has really changed my view of life. I have learned to not take life so seriously and things do not always go as planned...actually, I take that back, they rarely ever do! When I first had Caden, I sterilized everything that he touched, now I pick up the paci, wipe it off and hand it back (don't cringe, you've done it too and he puts everything from the floor in his mouth anyways) I am not going to be perfect but I also cannot beat myself up over my failures, I can only learn from them and move on, hopefully not to make the same mistake. So, I will start, in no particular order, with lessons learned:
1-Get your hair wet! Yep, you read that right. Everytime I went swimming as a young woman I felt the most important thing was that my perfectly washed dried and styled hair stay that way...I mean, seriously. Live, let your hair down, jump in head first into that pool! Life is too short to be worried about petty stuff like your appearance : )
2-Indulge a little. Not that I agree with being a glutton, but dont be so obsessed with counting calories that you can't cheat a little now and then. One slice of cake won't kill you (now the whole thing, not so good). Don't restrict yourself so much that you can enjoy yourself from time to time. And take a little time for yourself every now and then. You are a better mother/father, spouse, friend when you are rested take a time out for you sometimes.
3-When you think your ready to have sex, wait longer. I remember thinking how old school our parents were when they preached abstinence. Apart from the clear biblical reasons, you are not mentally sound enough as a young adult to really make that kind of decision well. And, I promise you that when you finally do marry someone, you will never feel okay about the fact that it wasn't just the two of you...never...because your virginity is something you just can't take back and it isn't likely that you will marry your first "love".
4-Control your emotions! If there is one thing I feel sorry for my parents about it was my awful mood swings growing up. I thought EVERYTHING was the end of the world if it didn't go my way. Well, get over it, life will never go the way you planned, in fact I think it amuses God that we have our own plans! Your emotions can be so dangerous, especially as a young man/woman. They can lead you to make some really, really bad decisions, and I am living proof of that time and time again. I really have to tell myself that every little thing isn't that big of a deal and I have learned to laugh at myself for getting so upset about those things in the past...just think of things like, "in the grand scheme of things, is this really going to be THAT bad?"
5-I hope you DANCE! Dont be so concerned with what everyone else thinks of you or fitting in that you lose sight of who you are! Dance in public like no one else is around, sing in church, laugh out loud, make a fool out of yourself if it means being who you are.
6-Dont hold back. I'm not saying be so outspoken that your flat out rude, but be honest with people. Tell them how you really feel...we are not promised tommorow, not one of us. Don't leave things unsaid, or have hurt feelings but not discuss them. I dont want anyone I love to leave this place not knowing how I truly feel about them!
7-The grass is NEVER greener. Someone will always be better off than you and someone will always be worse off than you. You are not going to leave one friend to find another who is perfect because perfect people dont exist. The same goes for relationships, jobs, churchs, etc. You will always find problems b/c you are flawed as well and not everyone will agree on what is best, so be happy with who you are and what you do!!!
8-You will never please everyone...anyone who knows me knows that I am a people pleaser. I will get sick to my stomach if I think someone is mad at me or I hurt someones feelings. The truth is that it is good to be conscience of other people's feelings and wants, but you will never be able to make everyone happy, you can be a best friend, employee, spouse, etc and you will still fail because we are all human. Just focus on being the best person you can be and learn to forgive. We are all human and all make mistakes, so dont hold grudges!
9-You will never find happiness in anyone or anything. Nothing more than Jesus Christ can bring true happiness, joy and peace. You have to choose to happy and not let circumstances control your life. Other things and people will disappoint you, put your faith and hope in Christ and leave the rest to him. When storms come in your life, realize that it will pass and you can still find joy, comfort and strength in him! So don't worry about every little thing in life (pot and kettle, I know)
10-Do everything to glorify God. I have said to myself on many occasions when I have found myself going above and beyond for someone who really doesn't appreciate it that I am not doing it for them or anyone else, I am doing it because I feel like it is in God's will for me to be in that place at that time doing that thing. I may not be happy about it and never get praised for my work, but I know that is not what it is truly about.
One of my favorite quotes:
"Life is not a race-but indeed a journey. Be Honest. Work hard. Be choosy. Say "thank you", "I love you", and a "great job" to someone each day. Go to church, take time for prayer. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Let your handshake mean more than pen and paper. Love your life and what you've been given, its not accidental-search for your purpose and do it as best you can. Dreaming does matter. It allows you to become that which you inspire to. Laugh often. Appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them. Some of the best things really are free. Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming. Forgive, it frees the soul. Take time for yourself-plan for longevity. Recognize the special people you've been blessed to know. Live for today, enjoy the moment."
Being a mother has really changed my view of life. I have learned to not take life so seriously and things do not always go as planned...actually, I take that back, they rarely ever do! When I first had Caden, I sterilized everything that he touched, now I pick up the paci, wipe it off and hand it back (don't cringe, you've done it too and he puts everything from the floor in his mouth anyways) I am not going to be perfect but I also cannot beat myself up over my failures, I can only learn from them and move on, hopefully not to make the same mistake. So, I will start, in no particular order, with lessons learned:
1-Get your hair wet! Yep, you read that right. Everytime I went swimming as a young woman I felt the most important thing was that my perfectly washed dried and styled hair stay that way...I mean, seriously. Live, let your hair down, jump in head first into that pool! Life is too short to be worried about petty stuff like your appearance : )
2-Indulge a little. Not that I agree with being a glutton, but dont be so obsessed with counting calories that you can't cheat a little now and then. One slice of cake won't kill you (now the whole thing, not so good). Don't restrict yourself so much that you can enjoy yourself from time to time. And take a little time for yourself every now and then. You are a better mother/father, spouse, friend when you are rested take a time out for you sometimes.
3-When you think your ready to have sex, wait longer. I remember thinking how old school our parents were when they preached abstinence. Apart from the clear biblical reasons, you are not mentally sound enough as a young adult to really make that kind of decision well. And, I promise you that when you finally do marry someone, you will never feel okay about the fact that it wasn't just the two of you...never...because your virginity is something you just can't take back and it isn't likely that you will marry your first "love".
4-Control your emotions! If there is one thing I feel sorry for my parents about it was my awful mood swings growing up. I thought EVERYTHING was the end of the world if it didn't go my way. Well, get over it, life will never go the way you planned, in fact I think it amuses God that we have our own plans! Your emotions can be so dangerous, especially as a young man/woman. They can lead you to make some really, really bad decisions, and I am living proof of that time and time again. I really have to tell myself that every little thing isn't that big of a deal and I have learned to laugh at myself for getting so upset about those things in the past...just think of things like, "in the grand scheme of things, is this really going to be THAT bad?"
5-I hope you DANCE! Dont be so concerned with what everyone else thinks of you or fitting in that you lose sight of who you are! Dance in public like no one else is around, sing in church, laugh out loud, make a fool out of yourself if it means being who you are.
6-Dont hold back. I'm not saying be so outspoken that your flat out rude, but be honest with people. Tell them how you really feel...we are not promised tommorow, not one of us. Don't leave things unsaid, or have hurt feelings but not discuss them. I dont want anyone I love to leave this place not knowing how I truly feel about them!
7-The grass is NEVER greener. Someone will always be better off than you and someone will always be worse off than you. You are not going to leave one friend to find another who is perfect because perfect people dont exist. The same goes for relationships, jobs, churchs, etc. You will always find problems b/c you are flawed as well and not everyone will agree on what is best, so be happy with who you are and what you do!!!
8-You will never please everyone...anyone who knows me knows that I am a people pleaser. I will get sick to my stomach if I think someone is mad at me or I hurt someones feelings. The truth is that it is good to be conscience of other people's feelings and wants, but you will never be able to make everyone happy, you can be a best friend, employee, spouse, etc and you will still fail because we are all human. Just focus on being the best person you can be and learn to forgive. We are all human and all make mistakes, so dont hold grudges!
9-You will never find happiness in anyone or anything. Nothing more than Jesus Christ can bring true happiness, joy and peace. You have to choose to happy and not let circumstances control your life. Other things and people will disappoint you, put your faith and hope in Christ and leave the rest to him. When storms come in your life, realize that it will pass and you can still find joy, comfort and strength in him! So don't worry about every little thing in life (pot and kettle, I know)
10-Do everything to glorify God. I have said to myself on many occasions when I have found myself going above and beyond for someone who really doesn't appreciate it that I am not doing it for them or anyone else, I am doing it because I feel like it is in God's will for me to be in that place at that time doing that thing. I may not be happy about it and never get praised for my work, but I know that is not what it is truly about.
One of my favorite quotes:
"Life is not a race-but indeed a journey. Be Honest. Work hard. Be choosy. Say "thank you", "I love you", and a "great job" to someone each day. Go to church, take time for prayer. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Let your handshake mean more than pen and paper. Love your life and what you've been given, its not accidental-search for your purpose and do it as best you can. Dreaming does matter. It allows you to become that which you inspire to. Laugh often. Appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them. Some of the best things really are free. Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming. Forgive, it frees the soul. Take time for yourself-plan for longevity. Recognize the special people you've been blessed to know. Live for today, enjoy the moment."
Monday, July 18, 2011
Okay to Grieve
The last several weeks have been filled with a lot of heartache for several people I love. There have been several deaths and unimaginable losses and I want to take this time to address a topic that many of us have a hard time dealing with: Grief. Beyond "I'm so sorry for your loss", "I'm praying for you" and "Let me know if you need anything", I have found myself speechless at the funerals because I have no idea what to say to comfort someone in that situation. Mostly because the losses of people closest to me I don't remember half of what anyone said to me, let alone did any of those things make me feel any better about losing someone I loved.
The truth is that it really doesn't matter what you say in these situations. What does matter is showing up and letting someone you love know that you are there for them and PRAYER. Not just saying you will do it, but actually doing it! In the weeks, months and even years following a death, you need people. The day or week it happens when there is a ton of food and friends you may not feel like talking to anyone but later when everyone is gone and you are ready to talk, that is when you need friends and family the most. So pray for those you love going through tough times...God really is the only one that can bring the comfort they truly need and his perfect peace.
I have learned, however, there are things you should NOT say when someone is grieving. Oddly enough, some people say things that come out condescending instead of supportive without meaning to. For example, when a friend miscarries a child and someone says "You can have more children" or "At least you have two other ones" they think they are providing some sort of support but they truly are not. What they are doing is making that mother feel like her sadness is unjustified. In order to move on, she must grieve the loss of that child, really allow herself to feel it and scream and cry so she can heal.
I have heard many people throughout my life say things just like that, without truly meaning harm. But when you say to someone "It could be worse" you are basically saying "suck it up, at least you aren't dealing with_____(whatever is worse in that persons opinion)". That really just makes the person hurting feel stupid for being sad and they never learn to cope and heal. There will always be someone worse off than you, but that doesn't mean you don't have a right to hurt and grieve when something negatively changes your life. I actually had someone tell me once, "Well, you can live without one kidney". That is not supportive at all...that made me feel like I was an idiot for being upset about having a child who "just" had a kidney problem.
When my son was born and I learned of his congenital kidney problems, I would catch myself saying "some people have children with brain problems, or heart...you should feel lucky its just a kidney". But, I had to tell that part of myself to shut up so that the other part could grieve for the fact that I have a child who was not completely healthy and would have a long road ahead. It is not necessary to dwell on it constantly, but each time he goes back for something else, I grieve in a healthy way and it has actually been quite healing for me!
Please know that if you are hurting, you aren't alone and it is okay to hurt and be angry! CRY, let it out and don't let other people make you feel bad for grieving! I will leave you with a song by Lady Antebellum that always makes me feel better when I go through hard times. I know it isn't a Christian song, but it you think of it like a Christian would, it brings me such comfort knowing I am not alone!
The truth is that it really doesn't matter what you say in these situations. What does matter is showing up and letting someone you love know that you are there for them and PRAYER. Not just saying you will do it, but actually doing it! In the weeks, months and even years following a death, you need people. The day or week it happens when there is a ton of food and friends you may not feel like talking to anyone but later when everyone is gone and you are ready to talk, that is when you need friends and family the most. So pray for those you love going through tough times...God really is the only one that can bring the comfort they truly need and his perfect peace.
I have learned, however, there are things you should NOT say when someone is grieving. Oddly enough, some people say things that come out condescending instead of supportive without meaning to. For example, when a friend miscarries a child and someone says "You can have more children" or "At least you have two other ones" they think they are providing some sort of support but they truly are not. What they are doing is making that mother feel like her sadness is unjustified. In order to move on, she must grieve the loss of that child, really allow herself to feel it and scream and cry so she can heal.
I have heard many people throughout my life say things just like that, without truly meaning harm. But when you say to someone "It could be worse" you are basically saying "suck it up, at least you aren't dealing with_____(whatever is worse in that persons opinion)". That really just makes the person hurting feel stupid for being sad and they never learn to cope and heal. There will always be someone worse off than you, but that doesn't mean you don't have a right to hurt and grieve when something negatively changes your life. I actually had someone tell me once, "Well, you can live without one kidney". That is not supportive at all...that made me feel like I was an idiot for being upset about having a child who "just" had a kidney problem.
When my son was born and I learned of his congenital kidney problems, I would catch myself saying "some people have children with brain problems, or heart...you should feel lucky its just a kidney". But, I had to tell that part of myself to shut up so that the other part could grieve for the fact that I have a child who was not completely healthy and would have a long road ahead. It is not necessary to dwell on it constantly, but each time he goes back for something else, I grieve in a healthy way and it has actually been quite healing for me!
Please know that if you are hurting, you aren't alone and it is okay to hurt and be angry! CRY, let it out and don't let other people make you feel bad for grieving! I will leave you with a song by Lady Antebellum that always makes me feel better when I go through hard times. I know it isn't a Christian song, but it you think of it like a Christian would, it brings me such comfort knowing I am not alone!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Choosing My Attitude
Wow, its been a really long time since my last post...my child has been growing like a weed!!! A couple of weeks ago he started to crawl, pull himself to standing and cut a tooth...all within one week!!! Lets slow it down, kid!!! Its amazing to see this little person that I carried inside me just 8 short months ago grow from a helpless baby to a more independent child with his own little personality! God is so good! Uh oh, I'm already rambling, okay, on to the blog:
I am reading a book right now called "Every Woman's Marriage" and the author said something very interesting: YOU am the common denominator in all of your relationships!!! How profound!!! So often, I think people write other people off in their lives (whether that be friends, spouses or a family member) because they get their feelings hurt or they just don't feel a connection anymore!!! But later down the road, it happens with the next friend, and the next and the next. That is when you need to stop and think: maybe everyone else isn't the problem, maybe the problem is ME and my bad attitude!!!
I have noticed recently that everytime I get on facebook, I find myself angry...all I see are people complaining about how awful their lives are; How their baby won't let them sleep just one more hour (first, you chose to have a child, and second, there are so many people who can't have children, parenthood is a blessing so what if you lose some sleep?) how they hate their jobs (look how many people can't find one in this economy), how they need to lose just a few more pounds or they have bad friends who dont care enough to call more frequently...I could go on and on...the point is that we all get upset at one time or another about little things in our lives, but we should realize how petty they are before we go complaining that our entire life is a disaster!!!
And I, by no means am excluding myself from the pettiness...I know I struggle with the post-baby body image stuff but in the grand scheme of things, I know I have done an amazing thing...I have carried life inside my body...with all the stuff we went through to get him here and keep him healthy, do the size of my pants really matter??? I get frustrated with my job but I literally have to tell myself sometimes "you should be so thankful you have a job...you may be cleaning up vomit right now and feel like you have a thankless job...but it matters to someone and if not to an earthly someone, it matters to God!!!"
Many of you who know me know that I can be a control freak at times (one of my many flaws). I like predictability, which I have learned is an impossibility when you have a child...nothing ever goes according to plan. I am no longer early wherever I go, my hair/makeup isn't fixed just right, Caden is never wearing shoes (wont keep them on!) and when he has a runny nose, his face is not going to be completely clean!, etc. So, frequently I find myself reacting to situations in ways I wish I hadn't...I let my emotions get the best of me and don't think before I speak! But, constantly complaining and having a bad attitude doesn't make my situation any better. In fact, it often makes it much worse and makes people around me miserable...it is true that misery loves company!!! What I have learned is that the one thing I can control in my life is my attitude. I can choose to react with a negative attitude when a situation doesn't go as planned and ruin my day and the day of those I love (which I frequently still find myself doing) or I can react with a positive attitude and make the best of my circumstance!
When Caden had his surgery, I was beside myself with fear, but I had to choose to have faith in God that he had a plan and Caden was going to be alright. As a nurse, I poke and prode at people's children/spouses/parents all day. Watching it happen to my own sweet child and being completely helpless gave me a new perspective on both my career and my life!!! I had no choice but to trust in God, and put on a good attitude! Because if I had a bad one, I would have lost it completely! Now, that isn't to say I wasn't scared to death, but I think that is okay! It is okay to be scared or angry at times, and to even vent about those emotions occasionally...we are all human. It isn't okay to dwell on it and let those emotions control you!
I am learning just like all of you that life is messy, times are hard and I can't always have my way! But in spite of all the storms in my life I am choosing to look to God to get me through them with the best attitude I can muster up and continue to try and see the light at the end of the tunnel because even though things are really bad sometimes...I have SO MUCH to be thankful for!!!
I am reading a book right now called "Every Woman's Marriage" and the author said something very interesting: YOU am the common denominator in all of your relationships!!! How profound!!! So often, I think people write other people off in their lives (whether that be friends, spouses or a family member) because they get their feelings hurt or they just don't feel a connection anymore!!! But later down the road, it happens with the next friend, and the next and the next. That is when you need to stop and think: maybe everyone else isn't the problem, maybe the problem is ME and my bad attitude!!!
I have noticed recently that everytime I get on facebook, I find myself angry...all I see are people complaining about how awful their lives are; How their baby won't let them sleep just one more hour (first, you chose to have a child, and second, there are so many people who can't have children, parenthood is a blessing so what if you lose some sleep?) how they hate their jobs (look how many people can't find one in this economy), how they need to lose just a few more pounds or they have bad friends who dont care enough to call more frequently...I could go on and on...the point is that we all get upset at one time or another about little things in our lives, but we should realize how petty they are before we go complaining that our entire life is a disaster!!!
And I, by no means am excluding myself from the pettiness...I know I struggle with the post-baby body image stuff but in the grand scheme of things, I know I have done an amazing thing...I have carried life inside my body...with all the stuff we went through to get him here and keep him healthy, do the size of my pants really matter??? I get frustrated with my job but I literally have to tell myself sometimes "you should be so thankful you have a job...you may be cleaning up vomit right now and feel like you have a thankless job...but it matters to someone and if not to an earthly someone, it matters to God!!!"
Many of you who know me know that I can be a control freak at times (one of my many flaws). I like predictability, which I have learned is an impossibility when you have a child...nothing ever goes according to plan. I am no longer early wherever I go, my hair/makeup isn't fixed just right, Caden is never wearing shoes (wont keep them on!) and when he has a runny nose, his face is not going to be completely clean!, etc. So, frequently I find myself reacting to situations in ways I wish I hadn't...I let my emotions get the best of me and don't think before I speak! But, constantly complaining and having a bad attitude doesn't make my situation any better. In fact, it often makes it much worse and makes people around me miserable...it is true that misery loves company!!! What I have learned is that the one thing I can control in my life is my attitude. I can choose to react with a negative attitude when a situation doesn't go as planned and ruin my day and the day of those I love (which I frequently still find myself doing) or I can react with a positive attitude and make the best of my circumstance!
When Caden had his surgery, I was beside myself with fear, but I had to choose to have faith in God that he had a plan and Caden was going to be alright. As a nurse, I poke and prode at people's children/spouses/parents all day. Watching it happen to my own sweet child and being completely helpless gave me a new perspective on both my career and my life!!! I had no choice but to trust in God, and put on a good attitude! Because if I had a bad one, I would have lost it completely! Now, that isn't to say I wasn't scared to death, but I think that is okay! It is okay to be scared or angry at times, and to even vent about those emotions occasionally...we are all human. It isn't okay to dwell on it and let those emotions control you!
I am learning just like all of you that life is messy, times are hard and I can't always have my way! But in spite of all the storms in my life I am choosing to look to God to get me through them with the best attitude I can muster up and continue to try and see the light at the end of the tunnel because even though things are really bad sometimes...I have SO MUCH to be thankful for!!!
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