The last several weeks have been filled with a lot of heartache for several people I love. There have been several deaths and unimaginable losses and I want to take this time to address a topic that many of us have a hard time dealing with: Grief. Beyond "I'm so sorry for your loss", "I'm praying for you" and "Let me know if you need anything", I have found myself speechless at the funerals because I have no idea what to say to comfort someone in that situation. Mostly because the losses of people closest to me I don't remember half of what anyone said to me, let alone did any of those things make me feel any better about losing someone I loved.
The truth is that it really doesn't matter what you say in these situations. What does matter is showing up and letting someone you love know that you are there for them and PRAYER. Not just saying you will do it, but actually doing it! In the weeks, months and even years following a death, you need people. The day or week it happens when there is a ton of food and friends you may not feel like talking to anyone but later when everyone is gone and you are ready to talk, that is when you need friends and family the most. So pray for those you love going through tough times...God really is the only one that can bring the comfort they truly need and his perfect peace.
I have learned, however, there are things you should NOT say when someone is grieving. Oddly enough, some people say things that come out condescending instead of supportive without meaning to. For example, when a friend miscarries a child and someone says "You can have more children" or "At least you have two other ones" they think they are providing some sort of support but they truly are not. What they are doing is making that mother feel like her sadness is unjustified. In order to move on, she must grieve the loss of that child, really allow herself to feel it and scream and cry so she can heal.
I have heard many people throughout my life say things just like that, without truly meaning harm. But when you say to someone "It could be worse" you are basically saying "suck it up, at least you aren't dealing with_____(whatever is worse in that persons opinion)". That really just makes the person hurting feel stupid for being sad and they never learn to cope and heal. There will always be someone worse off than you, but that doesn't mean you don't have a right to hurt and grieve when something negatively changes your life. I actually had someone tell me once, "Well, you can live without one kidney". That is not supportive at all...that made me feel like I was an idiot for being upset about having a child who "just" had a kidney problem.
When my son was born and I learned of his congenital kidney problems, I would catch myself saying "some people have children with brain problems, or heart...you should feel lucky its just a kidney". But, I had to tell that part of myself to shut up so that the other part could grieve for the fact that I have a child who was not completely healthy and would have a long road ahead. It is not necessary to dwell on it constantly, but each time he goes back for something else, I grieve in a healthy way and it has actually been quite healing for me!
Please know that if you are hurting, you aren't alone and it is okay to hurt and be angry! CRY, let it out and don't let other people make you feel bad for grieving! I will leave you with a song by Lady Antebellum that always makes me feel better when I go through hard times. I know it isn't a Christian song, but it you think of it like a Christian would, it brings me such comfort knowing I am not alone!
