Weighty Issues

I don't know what it is about being a woman that makes us so insecure!!! I have spent my whole life obsessing over the most stupid and vain things!!! Like many of you already know, with my recent health scare I have looked at things so differently and I do realize how ridiculous it is to be so concerned about something so stupid as my looks b/c they ultimately dont matter but that doesn't stop me from doing it!!!

I have always been so worried about my looks and weight, even though I've never really been overweight. I mean, I thought I was too big when I was 118 lbs and getting married!!! Its just something we do...and with all the things we grow up around, why wouldnt we? Barbie is perfect, the girls on tv and in magazines are perfect...where are all the NORMAL women???

After we have children, our bodies just go through so much! I can't wear my pre-pregnancy clothes even though I'm the same "weight" I was before I had Caden simply because my body is shaped completely different!!! I don't know why the number on the scale or on my tags bother me so dang much! And I have seen this with so many of my friends, so I know it isn't just me!

Even though I do not have stretch marks from pregnancy, I know several people that do and freak out about them...I recently read an article talking about how each line represents a wonderful memory...a first kick, a toss or tumble, waving at you on the ultrasound, so much time that little angel spent in your belly and it was his/her home...so it isn't perfect but each line means something and I just kept thinking how cool it would be if we all looked at it that way!!!

My hope is that I can continue working on getting over all this weight/looks crap b/c in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter...I should focus on being healthy and happy with what God gave me...we were all made different for a reason. Especially if I ever have a baby girl because I want her to grow up with good self esteem and know that its okay to be you! Your imperfections are what make you unique!!!

I am not supermodel skinny nor do I have a crystal clear complexion and sparkling white teeth with pantene pro-v model hair...but I am Caden's mommy, Travis' wife and I am beautiful to them and perfect in God's eyes!!!

One of my favorite songs:

Beautiful
Bethany Dillon

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Blessed for one more day...

I've been really bad about blogging lately. As many of you know, I recently have had a health scare and I can say my perspective on life in general has changed somewhat over the last several weeks. I had scans and a biopsy done and we were kind of in limbo for a while as to what was going on. The preliminary speculations, as well as first diagnoses were not good. I started to think of my life and what really mattered and here are my conclusions:

1-Some things I worry about in myself are SO stupid! I won't be on my deathbed thinking..."gee, I wish I were skinnier" or "I hate those freckles" so why should I obsess over them now?

2-Some things don't change...I cant control other people's opinions of me or how good (or even bad) of a friend they are...I can only control my own actions and I can choose to be happy with who I am. Honestly, there are some people who will never be there for you no matter how many times you've been there for them. So, I'm going to continue to be the type of friend I hope to have in spite of them ; )

3-I can't change my situation. Sometimes things just happen...things I can't help...people die, people get sick, people move away...stuff just happens sometimes and that is life...I am choosing to have a positive outlook despite my circumstances!!! Not to say I havent been worried b/c I was...I thought about if this thing really is that bad that maybe I wouldn't see my son go to kindergarten or he may not remember me...but I had to think...I can't control what is already going on...I can choose to have a positive outlook and fight like heck to live!!!

Fortunately, the outcome doesn't seem nearly as bad as we first thought, even though many of the details are a little still up in the air right now. All I know is that I am choosing to be positive and enjoy every second I have with those that I love...after all, we dont know what tommorow holds or how long those we have around us will be here!!! Not everyone gets an experience like this and I am grateful for the eye opener it has been for me...I know I won't forever remember feeling like everything I have is precious which is why I'm blogging these memories!!! I'm so fortunate that God has chosen to let me live yet another day and be blessed with an AMAZING family ; )