It's truly amazing how sometimes guilt can sneak into our lives about the most silly, meaningless things. I, for one, have always felt guilty about things I did wrong. I was the dorky kid who did something she wasn't supposed to and ran to tell on herself as soon as I did it. I have found that as I have become an adult, and most recently entered the world of motherhood, guilt has struck a whole new chord in my emotions...even sometimes unhealthily. I have discovered something about being a mom just opens a whole new realm of guilt I never even knew I could feel!!!
When Caden was first born, he developed jaundice early on and his bilirubin was 1 point away from him getting readmitted to the hospital. The pediatrician suggested I pump my breastmilk and feed him formula for 24 hours so as to not hinder the breakdown of the bilirubin. As a nurse, I knew deep down that breastfeeding jaundice does not typically develop this soon and so on but I heard that there may be a problem and I wanted to fix it. Caden never wanted to latch correctly again and after three painful weeks of trying to force him to breastfeed and many tears (from both of us), I gave up. To this day, I frequently feel so incredibly guilty that I was unable to do something so simple as to provide this very important nutrition for him, especially since he had a birth defect already. I mean, come on...at 16 months old I wouldn't still be breastfeeding anyway but I won't give myself a break because I feel so badly about it still!!! I go over and over in my head about what I could have done differently. I have spoke to several lactation consultants since who have given great tips for next time around but then I feel guilty because what if I am successful the next time and I neglected to do it right the first time? I mean, seriously? This is the crappy guilt I put on myself and for what? To feel badly about myself or my skills as a mother?
Another issue I have is the working mom thing. I think I am a better mom to Caden because I work. I enjoy my job and having adult conversations and knowing that I can provide him with opportunities he would otherwise not have because my husband and I both work. It makes it difficult because I feel that when I'm home I need to do nothing but spend time with him because I haven't seen him all day, but then what about time to myself or with my husband? What about family or friends? Being a working mom is HARD. Not that being a stay at home mom is easy, but I have so much guilt that I'm not able to stay home (I've been preached about how much better it is for them since I was a kid in church), then guilt that I enjoy working or enjoy some time to myself. Its funny how the devil knows where we are weak and vulnerable.
I remember having a conversation with a fellow new mom right after we had our boys and she said that she had had lunch with another new mom friend who went on and on about how perfect everything was going and how well they were doing and such. My friend said it just made her feel so guilty because she was having a hard time with her son sleeping, among other things. At the time, she would share that with me and I would share with her my issues. She made such a valid point here, though: as mothers, we should share our triumphs, as well as our failures with one another. It makes us all feel human and feel like we aren't alone!!!
Another girlfriend told me one time that she had to come back to work and left her 4 week old with her mother overnight b/c she was already in town and didn't want to have to wake the baby that early to go back to drop her off but I was the only person she told about it because she didn't want anyone to think badly of her for having a night away from her child when she was so young. It shouldn't be this way but so often it is. It's so funny because when I returned to work, Caden was 10 weeks old and Travis and I both were still on night shift. I would drive 3 hours to bring him to my parents or they would drive 3 hours to Warner Robins for my 3 12 hour shifts just so he was cared for by someone I trusted. It was just horrible because I had to spend days away from my infant! I soon realized that I wasn't the only one!
For weeks after I had Caden I felt like I was the only woman in the world struggling with some of these issues. Then I realized I was blessed in so many other ways: Caden started sleeping through the night; in his own crib at 3 weeks old...thats incredible!!! I had no problems converting him to solids, sippy cups and whole milk...we have had several bumps in between but I am thankful for both my triumphs and my failures in this journey because they both keep me grounded and I have learned so much from them!
I read some of these articles, blogs and books on the best way to train your child to do this and that and how breastfeeding is the only healthy way, daycare is unhealthy for your child, you should put your child on a rigid schedule after birth, kangaroo care is best, staying home with your child the first year is best, no immunizations, blah blah blah...its ridiculous...
There are so many examples, I could go on and on. And I know that it is only going to get harder from here...discipline, school, sports, etc....I have so many more years to screw up but the truth is that NO ONE is perfect and there is no one right way to do things. ESPECIALLY when it comes to children. I am fully prepared to bring on a whole new set of difficulties the next time around because no two children are the same.
My point is I want to celebrate the wonderful memories of my son's childhood and not get so bogged down in how badly I feel about what I should have said or done differently AND I hope to stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks of me...until you have been exactly where I've been (and no one will b/c we are all unique and have different experiences) than keep your opinions to yourself because you have no clue how it feels or what its like! Every mom needs to do what works for her. That is all ; )
